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This Can't be Happening to Me!

I spent the last 6 months of the year in hiding from this community. When in fact I should have leaned into it. You see I experienced something I never had before and I wasn’t sure how to talk about it. I didn’t want to sound like I was an expert or sound like I was saying it for attention and worst of all I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me. But in case someone out there needs to know they’re not alone I’m here to share.


For the last six months, I have been struggling with postpartum depression. I didn’t tell a soul. My husband could tell and knew what was going on. And until now the only person I told was my mom. I struggled alone and struggled in silence. Please don’t be me. Get help.


You see it took me a while to realize what was happening. It wasn’t right after I gave birth it was months later. I felt great the first 7 months postpartum and then one day everything changed around month eight.


I cried a lot. If you know me you know I’m not a crier. It takes a lot to make me cry. I have cried more this past year than I have my whole life it seems. Crying for no reason is the strangest feeling.


I had terrible mood swings. I would be so happy and within seconds I would be pissed over the smallest things. It’s a weird feeling to have such drastic emotions in seconds.


There were rushes of what I call hormones. It would be like a rush of heat through my body, a tingling sort of feeling. The rush would be followed by lots of tears.


I’ve dealt with high anxiety. The anxiety was so heavy there were days I thought my chest was going to explode. The kind of anxiety that would make me feel like I was going to vomit from the tension in my body. I felt extremely sad and lonely even when I was in a room full of people who loved me. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted.


I felt like I was failing my kids and husband daily. I wasn’t a perfect mom who made all the crafts, I didn’t bake all the cookies for Christmas or even remembered to pack their lunch. The house was a wreck and I couldn’t bring myself to fix it.


It made me feel unmotivated and unworthy to be doing something like this. I felt like I needed to just show the sunshine and rainbows. However, that’s just not real life for me. I want you to know if you are suffering you’re not alone. I’m struggling too and that’s ok.


Small things I have found that help me personally. Having coffee in a mug at home. Something about taking the time to sit down and enjoy my coffee first thing in the morning makes my days so much better. I’m not exactly sure why I just know it boosts my endorphins and gets me off to a better start.


This one is so silly to me because everyone says it and I’ve heard it for years. Making my bed in the morning. This small win oftentimes feels like the biggest success on the hard days. Finding small things that are easy to accomplish has been the turning point for me.


Anyways, now that I’ve put myself out there I say all this to say I’m not perfect and some days I struggle and that’s ok. Please remember I am no expert and if you are struggling get professional help. I am just sharing my experience in hopes to help others.


Depression is something I never in my wildest dreams thought I would deal with. If you are experiencing something similar just know I’m sending hugs your way! You are an incredible woman, wife, mother, and friend! Don’t let this define who you are! Love you so big! You are stronger than you think!

XOXO

Kara





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